Ged lost his wizard power. Galadriel did not seize the greatest power to rule all. Okay, they are fictional characters. Mr. Gorbachev ended communist regime and lost his power to control. Okay, that’s losing a big, big power.
So this is what it’s like to really lose power. I took it for granted that I was the most important being in my three sons’ lives. The power I had over them was palpable for anyone to see. But scenario as old as humans exist, I lost power as the most important woman in their lives when they found the women they love more than any other in their lives, and they married. The second son was the last to marry. When he married and decided to take the last name of his new spouse, it jarred me in the way that I never expected.
Humans live with assumptions and unfounded beliefs. One of the assumptions I had for years was that I was going to help my three sons’ care for their children as they and their wives worked. I thought I would cook for my grandchildren, wash for them, help, help them go to sleep at nights, but more than anything, I would encourage them like crazy. I assumed that for the past 20 years, since the oldest son was in high school. I was looking forward to such time. When the oldest married a wonderful woman, I thought the time was near. Then a few years later, I realized that because his wife had a good relationship with her family and had two sisters, if and when they had any child, the wife’s family would of course dote over their grandchild/niece/nephew. Very slim chance that I will care for that grandchild the way I assumed I would. A few years later, the second and the third sons found wonderful women. They both had loving, caring family, and they both had sister. If and when they have their children, not much chance for me to care for them either. Yes, I would see them and care for them, but at most, once in a while.
I am not the type to wallow in self misery. I am acknowledging that I made a great assumption and lived by it for years. Just like when I was growing up, I could not conceive of having such complicated feeling when I came of age physically to have menstrual cycle or to fall in love. At the time, I was dismayed by the incredible inconvenience and pain of having menstrual cycle. Stunned that all women in the world went through all that. My respect and revelation for women became so great. Fast forward, I fell in and out of love, then I married and gained the unexpected absolute love from my children, my sons. Despite of having loved my mother in such absolute way, I was amazed that I was on the receiving end of such sacred, precious love. Without intention, I gained absolute power over them. My life experiences made me wanted to use that power responsibly.
I have no way of knowing the truth, but I think I used that power responsibility until I lost it. Again, I was stunned that all women go through this experience. First, when you are past child baring age, you no longer feel that predator animal gaze from men. I was not aware of it until it was gone. Then, your children discover their freedom to do whatever they want in their lives. I suppose I could have kept them tied to me through psychological manipulation. But I want them to live their lives fully. I felt whatever they do, they will live so much joyfully through their own decisions rather being coerced into doing what I want them to do.
Nothing is lost in this life. There’s never bottom to sorrow, but you don’t need to touch the bottom to rise again. In psychological misery, all you need to do is just flap your arms, move your limbs with the intention to rise, and inertia will pull you up. I love what seems like the sadness and void I was experiencing momentarily, because my life has been so rich and abundant as the product of all the sadness and void I have experienced in the past. It’s the vital half that makes up my life. It’s the introduction to greater love and power I am about to gain, from inside of me. I lost power because I chose to let go of most precious things in my life. And I can feel it. I have been flopping my arms to rise, and already gained the freedom that propels me to the best years of my life.
FUJIKO SUDA 