I sometime marvel at how I ended up being married to my current husband for 31 years. We dated for 3 years before that. I used to say to people around me that when I first met Noboru that I found him intolerable. He approached me so casually at work, and I mistook that as someone who was making a pass at me. It turned out that he approached anybody and everybody like that. Because that was the start, I did not feel nervous when I was around him, as I never felt the need to impress him in any way.
I would often hear of detailed stories of varieties of relationships. I hear of how they had very strict criteria about what they expected in their partner. Recently, I read Zarna Garg’s autobiography that talked about how she met with her husband, had three children and still going strong through all the ups and downs they went through together. When Zarna first advertised online to find a husband, she was looking for someone who has established career with high income with a stable life. She also needed to have mutual respect in the marriage partnership. She found someone who was perfect on the mutual respect side, but he was far off from established career with high income. But half of the part that was essential in attracting another person was there, so hard as she tried not to, she fell in love with him.
The other day, I heard one guy saying, my absolute criteria is that my partner keeps neat, clean house. He would never consider someone who only graduated from junior high school with no further education, nor someone who is frivolous with money. But after a while, he said, but chemistry would likely destroy those criteria. If she was beautiful, and if I really fell for her, all those criteria will probably mean nothing.
I thought, yeah, that’s how it worked out for me. After the initial feeling of “please don’t even talk to me,” I was accepting things that I didn’t think I was capable of and eventually married him. Just recently, Noboru finally came out and said that the feeling was mutual. He is wise. He just didn’t say it all these years, just to be nice to me. Yes, that’s the secret to long marriage. Say all the things positive to the other. Try to keep from saying to the other all the things that you don’t like about him/her.
So really, back to mystery part. No road map or no method to find yourself a partner.
A lot of us simply need to live and learn. If we stuck with criteria, we won’t discover about ourselves, our partners or anybody. We just don’t know enough to make any absolute decision. Yes, some of the things will really bother you, probably more than you ever thought was possible. And then some other things that you never thought you would tolerate, you just learn to accept.
Life is a mystery.
FUJIKO SUDA 